guddammit

the final photo to mark the end of a happy occassion.. everyone.. the brothers.. with our happy groom.. our group of friends for 20 years.. happy moment.. captured in this photo..

testing the camera.. trying the delay start.. so tat we dun haf to ask others to help us take photos.. and it works..

playing the fool in front of the old folks sitting beside us..

engene hasn't been sleeping well.. looks at his dark eye rings.. but finally he has completed his presentations and projects for the semester and he can sleep well now..

we are bored at the lobby...

the beautiful bride.. and ya, she has a big group of sisters... preparing the big event with her..

zhizhong.. graciously letting his picture taken...

wads marvin doing at my pri sch fren's wedding dinner??? haha, he knew them through me la.. through the kopi and drinking sessions.. thats y he is also here.. as a buddy..

weibin and his girlfriend, michelle.. together for quite a long time liao.. i tink they can make it la.. so long liao.. and michelle is a nice girl.. well-liked by our group of brudders.. ;) and weibin has been thinking of settling down.. wad a perfect combination..

jianhao and his girlfriend.. nuttin to say about them.. hahaha!! the girlfriend doesn't leave a realli good impression.. and well, none of my business also.. :)

taking pictures like this.. seems to be the trend tat night.. lame~~

trying to take a picture of eugene and my pic was taken also..

endorphine was onli here for about 1 hour.. and she sang less than 6 songs i think.. most of the time, she was joking, talking.. and singing other songs by other artistes... but well, she really can sing..

she looks nice like this..

see the crowd tat nite?? so packed and warm tat day...

not very well taken.. i have no idea why also..

and well, actually she is quite pretty ar.. a beautiful young girl with a powerful voice..

endorphine.. famous thai rock band with a female lead singer.. live in singapore.. and we were there..

me, bernard, and lynn...

closeup of marvin

and shamaine.. and shawn..

another of marvin's friend..

uploaded the pictures quite late.. this was taken in july..

long time no see...

times are bad.. money running low.. :( my mood is directly affected by the amount of money i haf.. and so.. my mood nowadays are jus like my wallet.. looking glum.. and lifeless.. colourless..

today, i just transferred the photos tat i have taken for the past few months over to my computer.. so this post.. will have lotsa photos.. and well, i dun tink i will write much.. shall let the photos do the talking..

about 2-3 months back, i was asked by my mom to help her deliver some food to an old folks' home.. and i went. with her.. although i had jus climbed onto my bed in the morning trying to sleep after coming home from clubbing. the old men are quite pitiful.. they onli get to enjoy such "sumptous" meals once a month. and these meals are jus curry rice, or nasi lemak.. on normal days, they onli get those kind of $1 a packet rice..

but anyway, the budget of the house is quite restricted also... so they realli haf no choice..

ITS BEEN A WHILE..

i have been busy.. and lazy sometimes.. and jus canot be bothered to write anything.. probably its becos i have things more important to see to these days.. and the stress from work.. haizzz...

luck's not quite good lately.. i was not the winner of the $5.6million TOTO lottery for the mid autumn festival special draw.. :( and i was already thinking of how to spend the $5.6million when i was holding onto the ticket.. haha

work wise, been kinda stressful.. its just hard to get the momentum started.. sales not coming in.. the pressure settling in.. plus some external factors.. hopefully, its gonna be a better week this time.. i need to get the sales coming in real fast.. its getting late..

been listening and getting to know more thai songs. me and shawn has fallen in love with punch. a thai singer.. her songs are so nice.. and perhaps sad.. ( actually we duno wad the song is abt.. but the mtv show her crying.. so i guess its a sad song...) and we even got a thai dj to burn a cd of popular thai songs for us.. tats so cool rite?? there are other nice songs in the cd which we haven find out the title yet.. attached the song here.. enjoy it!! love it jus like me.. :)

disappear

too tired and lazy to blog recently.. anyway.. things have been looking well for me.. nuttin disastrous yet.. :)

so, i am still alive.. planning my bangkok trip once more.. and contemplating whether to buy ticket in advance for feb 2008 as well.. since tiger airways having a promotion of $0.88 per way. tat makes it $94 for a 2 way airfare including taxes.. so jayen, if u happen to read this, please contact me or email me asap.. we r waiting for ur confirmation.. the BIG trip has been changed.. due to certain reasons.. so now, we shall settle for bangkok instead where u can do lotsa shopping.. and hurry ar.. email me fast as this is onli available for a few days.. and the beginning of the year is a busy period for banks.. which means mroe business for me.. maybe go for a short trip.. jus 3 days. and oh, there is a new bangkok airport? shall see how good it is..

internal struggle

well, finished with wad i gotta do.. the handing over of my stuff to my old company.... settling with the exit interview etc etc.. in one day.. i travelled from shenton way.. to towner.. to orchard.. and then to towner again.. and then to amk.. feels good to be able to finish my stuff in one day.. but tat also means tat i haf returned my laptop for good.. meanwhile, i am shopping for a laptop.. perhaps during the IT fair.. or after tat.. no choice.. used to a laptop now.. lying on bed in my room, lazily checking mails and watching internet tv with eyes half closed.. haha~~

to touch on someting more intimate.. i duno if its the timing or the current psychological situation. but i realised tat, although there is this girl who has already made known her feelings pretty openly.. actions shown.. a promising relationship seems in place.. dreams slowly visualising.. but.. but.. i feel there is this barrier.. i duno wads causing this.. once bitten twice shy?? i duno.. or i am not ready?? could it be tat i am broke, causing me this insecurity.. ?? damn my ex company for delaying my pay.. damn my current company for bundling my half mth's pay into next pay day.. although tat means i be getting a bigger paycheck, or u can say 2 paychecks.. tat also means i am pretty tight in budget this month.. painful suffering.. i admit.. this girl is realli veri good.. too good.. tat i canot find myself to believe too much.. i canot bring myself to trust another one and be let down.. but currently.. i am jus keeping mum.. not saying wad and how i truely feel to her.. i dun wana hurt her.. and well, i am not sure if i can just accept another person so fast.. its not fair to her.. cos i feel its partly becos she was there when i was hurt.. but i duno if i haf really gotten over her.. i noe i promised myself tat i will not harbour any thoughts of being together again.. and given another chance if there is.. i am afraid.. yes.. i seldom admit tat i am afraid.. but well.. the feeling is not good.. right now.. i guess i jus gotta cool down and concentrate on my work.. my training.. and when everything stabilises.. shall see where i go from there.. jus gotta take one step at a time.. even though time is running out for me.. my 2-year money plan is still running and honestly.. i am falling behind schedule.. i haf been slowing down.. and i gotta be firm this time.. no one is able to divert me from my money-making path again~~ yes! i will be money-faced now! everything to me is abt money now! cos i noe.. money will never betray me.. haha!! and i wana realise my dreams..

right now, using the desktop which i haf neglected.. and the computer took a damn long time to warm up.. keyboard getting used to my fingers again.. maybe this desktop felt scared of me also! scared tat i will forsake it once more.. when a laptop comes along.. but well, this desktop shall be where i store my BIG files.. my pics.. my mp3s.. and i shall let this once loving desktop of mine like me and work properly again.. haha!! consider this paragraph a load of crap pls..

alrite.. time to sleep.. gotta get to the bus stop at 7am.. its a long journey again..

is this bliss? or something wrong..

have been going for training for my work from the past week. very boring. there is not internet access and its right at tampines.. in the very east! takes me a total of 1 and half hr to reach there on the dot. i have to leave my house by 7am. and board the bus at 7.10am to the interchange and change another bus to tampines. the bus usually arrives at 7.20am - 7.25am. and damn, the queue is always long with students and people going to work like me.. but luckily, they work in the nearby factories and i get to have seats when they go down. but well, usualli, when i am lucky, i find a seat and just sleep all the way to work.. haha!

well, in case u might wonder, y am i writing this now considering the time i post this.. now, i am having this bad headache.. a migraine.. it hurts when i stand up and walk around in the morning when i woke up. i duno y i got it.. i jus noe i dun like the feeling.. and i was told today's training has got some physical activities.. playing games to build teamwork tat kinda shit.. so i dun tink i shld be attending these activities.. well, now i am lying down while typing this.. its not so bad..

well, i haven told anyone much.. about the latest updates abt my life.. except jayen who went missing for so long on msn.. and i tink he got a shock.. and if the others knew... i tink they will get a shock too.. well.. i am not cursed.. its just tat she filled the empty void tat was unexpected vacanted.. maybe tats y i dun feel sad at all now.. and in fact, i am happy.. someone showering me with concern.. and calling me to check if i eaten.. waking me up in the morning.. etc etc.. and i duno if i like her or not.. i duno if its too early or not.. i duno if its right for us to be together or not.. but watever it is.. i noe tat i am happier mainly becos of her.. or maybe i shld say, she made me happier sooner than expected.. and realli never expected her to be the first one to console me.. not even my frens do... but she can call me and check on me, and telling me her experiences as well... maybe tats wad a heart to heart talk is.. and let me noe alot abt her from tat time on..

alrite.. i tink i shld take some medicine and go back for a short nap.. today is my last day using this laptop.. i duno how i am going to post in future while on the bed.. gotta wait till the comex.. and i can buy a new laptop at a cheaper price.. tats at the end of august ar.. still quite far.. i tink i shld buy after the comex.. whereby the stocks left after the IT fair should be slashed even further to clear the goods ar..

ok ok... later still gotta wake up to get mc, and going to meet her to eat lunch together.. and i gotta go home and take my laptop and return to my ex-bosses.. so its actualli an activities-filled day for me.. :) have a nice day everyone.. i hope i will..

too beautiful..

people.. u must watch this.. this is seriously too beautiful to miss.. its simply breathtaking and i wish i was there.. really!! i realised i was missing out a lot and i think i gotta find out where tat place is.. the exact place..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggc_foQKAHo

Full House "i think i"

was trying to watch the mtv of a nice song.. soundtrack of a korean series.. and well, guess korean series are still kinda popular.. the soundtrack has different languages... this is the thai version...

'>

well, this is the chinese version...

'>www.youtube.com/v/wrOMFt52cLM">

this is the original...

'>http://www.youtube.com/v/gDxaI0ZGXts">

this is korean version also.. but its anime.. Wah!! i din noe of this at all.. well, this anime version has a nice storyline.. pretty touching..

'>http://www.youtube.com/v/Lrm_rMJ51VY">

please!

people! please watch this video!! seriously.. this clip is probably the most touching mv i have ever seen.. and probably it can move u to tears.. but the least it can do i guess.. is touch u.
view it and tell me wad ya think..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIpSb1jPSdo

Reader Digest..

Once upon a time, there was a master who is an expert in the science of economical practice and never wastefully spent on things. Then there was a young man came to him, asking for his teaching on this expertise. The master then gave a chair to that young man to sit down and the other chair for himself. When they were both seated. The master said as the learning process would e carried out by talking only, so lighting would not be necessary. Then he told young man to put out the light. After that, the master heard the noise of cloth being scrubbed. So he reprimanded young man for not being respectful. Young man replied “ I think it is rather dark now, so it is not necessary to wear cloth since it could be wastefully scrubbed and become old too soon, that’s why I took it off”. Then the master said “ You’re so right. You’re now better than me. So, I don’t have anything more to teach you”.

By : Joker old man (Old time jokes. 2nd edition, p.27)
Reference : Anake Nawikamoon. Old time jokes. 2nd edition. Bangkok : Sang Dad, 1993.

fwah!!

oh gosh!! i jus published tat post and viewed it.. its long!! shld be the second or third longest.. after my 2 lame study/ research posts.. about monday blues and spywares in the office.. haha!!! good stamina!!!

confessionsss

well, kinda high now.. though not as high as last night.. probably cos i jus canot force myself to get tat drunk 2 nights in a row.. or just that my stomach canot take it?? my stomach felt weird tonight before i even started drinking just now.. but i thot it could be tat i was hungry.. so i jus grabbed some bun to eat from the convenience store.. Lim Kee Pau.. hmm.. not bad.. jus tat kinda ex.. $1.20 for a pau? hmm, too bad, convenience comes at a price.

alrite, honestly, i hold no hopes of her turning back, changing her mind.. cos i feel its kinda planned.. or perhaps the decision have been weighing on her mind for some time.. and perhaps its always there.. jus waiting for a spark to start it off... i duno.. and i will never noe.. watever it is.. if she is reading this.. no worries, i will fuck off from her life. jus wish tat she be happier without me.. jus take it tat we never met.. and i am sorry for wasting almost one year of her life. and causing the unhappiness which she never expected.

yes.. i did tried to hold back my tears.. yes.. i never cry.. no tears.. maybe they were wet for a while.. but no, i forced them back.. at least i never break my own promise to myself.. tat i will never ever cry for any girl.. anyone who dun deserve my affections.. it breaks my heart.. ya, my heart felt the pain.. the same feeling i got many years back.. tat dreadful feeling.. it came back. and i realised.. it always haunt me when i stay home.. at night alone, in my room, the pain jus stabbed my heart real hard.. i jus gotta get out of my room at night... numb myself and head back with a heavy head.. but well, dun worry, i noe i am getting better.. better with a beer belly now.. haha.. anyone likes guys with beer bellies?? hahaha~~

my army fren was not free to drink with me tonite, and the moment he hear my voice, he presume tat i was crying.. but i wasn't.. i was having a cold.. damn~~ and he said its alrite to cry.. but argh~~ he said he cried before also.. well, watever..

i headed to the pub myself.. alone.. trying to find people to drink with me.. hmm, qingyi and eric came and accompany after awhile.. and they r frens who r not tat close to me.. accompanying me when i need companion.. frens whom i thot are always there for me... instead told me to meet tomoro instead.. hmm, y not tell me to die another day?? some day when they r free to attend my funeral??? fuck! i got real pissed.. but well, used to it anyway.. in life, we can never realli trust anyone.. the onli one we can trust is ourselves.. so we gotta love ourselves more.. more than anyone else.. cos no one deserves it more than yourself.. a day while u r still living is worth celebrating.. so, pamper yourself..

thought of many things past 2 days.. thought of possible lies tat she could haf told me? thought of maybe there could be other reasons?? thought maybe i could haf handled the matter better?? maybe i can onli blame myself??? watever it is, lies it may be, or maybe its all my fault, it doesn't matter.. y shld i make myself more miserable by thinking of the consequences of a relationship of 2 persons alone?? it will onli make me worse.. it realli made me crazy last nite... questions weighing on my head.. people whom i duno cheering me up.. strangers toasting with me.. waitress bringing me plain water after i puked.. thinking back, wad a fool i haf been..

talking abt the questions in the head.. this guy reminded me of this story.. there is this guy who always walk to the coffeeshop i frequent. he always looks messy.. dirty.. and crazy.. and someone told me before of his history.. he is graduate in accounting from NTU.. and he was about to get married when his soon-to-be wife jus ran off.. i am not sure if she ran off with another guy.. but she jus ran off.. so, this guy jus turned crazy.. and not working since after.. and now, i always see him approaching customers for a cigarette.. and i am not sure if he deserves my pity or not.. but it jus shows matters of the heart could be too hard for some individuals to handle.. and perhaps, as wad i always believed, selfish persons are the onli ones who can be always happy in this world... cos in their world, wad they feel is really wad mattered to them.. they simply want the best for themselves and just neglect wad others feel..

believe in karma.. cos its true.. i been selfish before.. hurt people before.. and it comes back to me.. and they come in multiples.. dun understand?? try it.. u will understand someday. ok.. haf been trying to exhaust my drunken stupor.. hope u peeps understand wad i typing.. i tink u peeps can.. cos i am not drunk tonite... and i double checked my spelling.. haha!! do u think u noe me?? well, now i noe i seriously dun and i thot i haf been trying to.. and its too late.

time to sleep.. and wake up to a whole new day.. awaits nightfall and seek a new hiding place..

post mortem

Thanks samantha for sending me your concern thru sms.. thanks suiyi for ur asking.. shawn and marvin got drunk with me last nite.. hahaha!! but well, i dun really wan people to console me.. i dun like it.. it makes me feel bad.. makes me even worse.. pls dun ask me wad happened also.. everything's over and there is realli nuttin much to help also.. cos its all decided.. no chance of turning back.. but thanks anyway.. appreciate the concern.

well, i shall revert back.. to the old me.. the old ways. the happy ways.. the place where no one gets hurt.. :) and i get to be the one hurting people!

meanwhile.. i will delete off all the haunting memories.. the ones maketh me a love retard. jus like deleting the corrupted file..

shall post the latest updates of my happenings..

superficial world..

we ended on the day we first met and one month short of a year together. guess this dream expired before its due. relationships never exists.. for today, i have learnt that relationships in this world are fake. relationships are in this world to force u to learn, to wake up from ur sleep, from ur dream.. to make u realise that onli in your stupid dream, things can be that perfect.

i will not do anything to bring back a relationship that can be so fragile even when i put in efforts. and i dun like the feeling of being at the beck and call.. being dumped when there is no feeling, being called back when you found that u still haf feelings. being dumped when ur parents dun like it, being called back when u decided to give it a try. it sucks.. i will never let anyone do that to me anymore. fuck that! if u realli cared for me in the first place, then u will never do tat to me at all..

perhaps it was not meant to be.. or maybe jus push everything to me.. i am such an idiot once more.. regret so many things now.. straining family ties? fuck that! buying air ticket for jus one nite?? stupid ass! paying for ur phone??? slap me please!! Expensive phone bills?? i deserve it!!!!!!!

why in the world am i doing stuff that i never do for any girl before in my life?? y did i change my principles for someone tat easily? someone whom i met less than a yr.. someone whom i dun get to meet often??

and to think that i told myself i can handle it all, everything is worth it.. haha.. wad a joke.. but well, it ended jus like how it started. all unexpectedly. i realised i like her when i wasn't planning to look for a gf. and i lose her when i wasn't prepared at all. wad a life~~ and well, for all i know, i might be the bastard again.. in her mom's eyes.. tat i jus dumped her like that.. well, not the first time, perhaps being misunderstood is my middle name.. and well, maybe i am already used to it.
but maybe add a new one to it, bastard idiot?? nicer?

i asked for it sometimes.. i know.. i couldn't help at all when u were under stress, under pressure.. if i couldn't help, the least i can do is not to add more pressure to u.. tat i couldn't do as well.. but for me, i was wrong tat i keep demanding to noe wads been bothering u, keep wanting to noe wad r ur problems rather than keeping to urself, getting angry at u for not telling me stuff.. making u tink tat u r not good enough for me.. yes.. i tink i am the one not good enuf for u. i am not good in anything.. nothing~~ i told myself before that i am not suitable to be in relationships.. and shld stick to my playing ways.. but even i never listen to wad i preach.. how can i expect someone else to listen to it then.. and now, i jus gotta force myself to get back to the happy-go-lucky ways tat i used to be and get rid of all those dreams that i weaved for myself the past yr.. ya.. i am a dreamer.. yes! i am good at dreaming... dreaming of some things tat can never be true.. dreaming of stuff to make myself sink deeper and hurt deeper and make myself scarred.. scarred for life indeed.. and yes.. i haf realli lost hope in someting tat i always haf hope for.. someting tat i always look forward to... and currently, i am lost.. realli lost.. lost my goal, lost the motivation to make big bucks. ya.. i shouldn't be like a leech.. sucking on to someting so tat i can stay alive.. my motivation in life should not haf been u.. but well, how often has it been this case tat we always noe we r going the wrong way, but we happily walk through it, knowing its wrong...

and yes, u've got me this time.. though its not the first time.. but this time is a BIG time.. and this time is a bad time.. jus when i need support, when i am down, i got a big step on me to sink even deeper.. and i canot tell anyone.. no one.. and true.. i never tell anyone abt wadever shit.. becos i realised.. the care and concern tat i received.. could be superficial, fake.. but even though they could be fake, i still appreciate it for bothering to fake it in the first place..

this is life.. my life.. my fucked up life. and no one can understand wad i am going through and fuck! i am realli hurt. and hiding it hurts even more.. i realli feel so lost!!! argh~ there is no where, no one i can turn to.. except this blog.. this website.. this dead place..

guddammit

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

long time no see...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

ITS BEEN A WHILE..

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

disappear

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

internal struggle

Monday, August 28, 2006

is this bliss? or something wrong..

Saturday, August 19, 2006

too beautiful..

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Full House "i think i"

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

please!

Reader Digest..

fwah!!

confessionsss

Monday, August 14, 2006

post mortem

Sunday, August 13, 2006

superficial world..

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